michael medved

As I've made my way through this crazy adventure called life, I keep stumbling over this one fact which can't be avoided: Michael Medved is a complete ass. Not only the worst movie critic of all time, but also a hard-right political commentator (who used to be a liberal activist! And then talked about how he'd "seen the light" or some shit like that, and became this right-wing dick). And I think he lives in Seattle! If I'm not mistaken. I guess his radio show is broadcast from Seattle. Probably lives in Bellevue ...

Remember that movie "Kangaroo Jack?" About some mobsters who get stranded down in Australia, and then have to chase this animatronic kangaroo because somehow all their money got in its pouch? Clearly one of the worst movies of all time, right? But Michael Medved liked it! Because it was family-friendly, and didn't have sex or violence or naughty curse words, etc etc. But then he decided he couldn't write a good review of it, because the director contributed money to Democratic political candidates. I shit you not.

Is Michael Medved gay? (Not that there's a problem with that; I have no problem with anyone being gay) He strongly gives that impression, no? But if he is, he's one deeply closeted son of a bitch. Maybe that's why he took that hard-right turn in his life: he didn't want anyone to guess his true sexual identification. Just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.

Give it up, Michael Medved! You completely suck. In fact, I can't think of anyone in America who sucks more than you.

the name game

Ideas can be a dangerous thing. For every Bill Gates out there with a crazy idea about something like "software," there are probably 99 people who drive themselves into financial and psychological ruin by pursuing their dream. And I have to say I'm teetering at the edge of the abyss right now.

I have no experience in running a Vietnamese restaurant - hell, I've never run any kind of restaurant - but when out of nowhere the greatest name ever for a Vietnamese restaurant strikes you ... well, what are you supposed to do? Just forget about it? And just as it would be very difficult to imagine what our world would be like if Microsoft had never came along, I think someday people will be asking themselves how they ever got by without Pho Sure.

road rage

I'm generally a pretty even-keeled guy, but I do get kind of pissed off at times on the road. More than is healthy for me! And typically I just feel embarrassed and stupid about it later. But I came up with two ways to address this: A) I give myself more time to get to places now. Running late is a surefire recipe for stress and B) I just consider that other people don't drive as well as me. I may not be the greatest driver in the world (I'm no A.J. Foyt) but I'd say I drive better than 95% of the people out there. And looking at it that way, allows me to forgive them.

Feel free to borrow these driving tips! Namaste ...

cherry, cherry, quite contrary

Spring in the Pacific Northwest means one thing: drizzly rain. Wait: it also means the blossoming of cherry trees. Two things.

Right now there's cherry trees blossoming all over my neighborhood. Looks great, smells great. Who can complain, right? Well, I've got my hand in the air. I'm not complaining exactly, but I want to ask you all how things are going to look in another week or two. All those blossoms will be gone, and we'll be stuck with a bunch of skinny old nothing-special trees.

Now don't get me wrong: I love trees. So much, in fact, that I question why we can't have other trees besides these cherry trees everywhere. How about some macadamia trees? It would be so cool to be just walking along and find a whole bunch of macadamia nuts under some tree. I love macadamias! Or maybe some banana trees. I actually don't like eating bananas, but I've seen lush banana trees in real life, and they look so damn bountiful! I'd just like to see some of that in my neighborhood. And we've got palm trees here - there's a couple right around the corner, as a matter of fact - so don't tell me banana trees won't grow in Tacoma.

Hell, I'd even take some apple trees. I love apples. Maybe a nice Jonamac tree, or even a basic old Macintosh tree. I don't care! I just want to be walking down the street, and see an apple tree over there, and just go over and gorge to my heart's content. Can you do that with a cherry tree? No. At least, not the ones around here. You're not gonna eat anything off of them. I'm not even sure if they all ARE cherry trees - maybe there's some other kind of blossoming tree that people cultivate - but let's call them cherry trees for convenience's sake. I want something to eat.

happy family

Who the F#*%!! came up with the idea for Happy Family??? You know what I'm talking about: that Chinese restaurant dish with chicken, beef, shrimp, pork, lobster, and just about every other meaty item on the menu, tossed together with some lo mein-type noodles and maybe a little bit of broccoli. Whoever it was, I bet they congratulated themselves afterward. You know, something like, "Yes, I did pretty good here. This is a groundbreaking innovation."

Hey, I've got a new idea for a breakfast cereal! It's got Grape Nuts, and Wheaties, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and Cocoa Puffs, and those little marshmallows from Lucky Charms. And while I'm at it, I've got a new baked good as well: part pie, part cake, and part donut, it's glued to the back of a petits four and will surely revolutionize the culinary world. And here's one more for you: a container of ice cream with THREE FLAVORS inside. That's right - vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry sitting right next to each other, just waiting to be devoured.

But what's that you say? Tripartite ice cream already exists; or at least, it used to, but they stopped making it because no one gave a damn??? Wait, wha - how can that be? Isn't it 3 times as good as ordinary uniflavor ice cream? Just like Happy Family is 8 times as good as regular lo mein? These are crazy times we're living in, I tell ya ...

old friends I've visited in the past 2 years, and where I visited them

- Chud and Melissa (Austin)
- Elizabeth and Dan (Boston)
- Matt (NYC)
- Chris and Christine (NJ)
- Brian and Cindy (Seattle, multiple times)
- Dean and Caroline (Vermont, several times, also Chicago and SF)
- Jim (SF)
- Dan and Danielle (LA)
- Suzanne (Minneapolis)
- Sabrina and Truman (Cleveland)
- Jed (Oberlin)
- Tom and Jamie (Bellingham)
- Mike (Bellingham)
- Troy and Shannon (Louisiana)

This doesn't count family, so trips to see my sister and her family in Chicago and Charlotte aren't included. Also doesn't include my college reunion last Memorial Day weekend, or seeing extra friends on one of these trips (ie, having lunch with someone in Seattle when I was there primarily to see Brian and Cindy), or seeing friends in Mad City. Almost without exception, these were people I hadn't seen in a number of years.

When you consider that I was enmeshed in fellowship training for most of this period, I'd say it's a pretty good list. Never let it be said that I don't go out of my way for friends! I am one traveling wilbury.

deja entendit

One of my biggest grievances about rap (and I have many) is the age-old practice of "sampling" - basically, taking part of someone else's song and sticking it in your own. It can be relatively small and benign, or be used to build a great song (Cantaloop by Us3, or a lot of the brilliant stuff that Public Enemy has done), or it can be blatant and really suck ass (most of MC Hammer's body of work). The problem is when it becomes endemic to a genre, and leads to the sacrifice of creativity for the sake of familiarity.

Now, I know that sampling and covering are also done in other areas of music, including rock (right now I'm in a coffee shop, listening to an American Idol wannabe do an overwrought version of Jeff Buckley doing Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah"). But I've always considered rap to be the biggest offender. It wasn't until I started to listen to KPLU, the jazz station in Tacoma, on a regular basis that I realized how much borrowing goes on in jazz as well. I'm not just talking about Kenny G's Christmas album (the impetus for one of the greatest lines by Norm Macdonald, or anyone for that matter, of all time: "Happy birthday, Baby Jesus! I hope you like crap!"). No, no - it seems like every other song being played was done by someone else before. Whether it's Vijay Iyer playing Michael Jackson, or Denise Donatelli doing Sting, it usually strikes you the same way: you listen for a few seconds, start to get excited, and then realize why that melody sounds so familiar.

Of course, jazzmen and women do it a little more skillfully than most hack-ass scratch-rappin' DJ's, and some would say that re-worked covers have had a vital role in the history of jazz. Think about what John Coltrane did with "My Favorite Things," or Miles Davis with "Porgy and Bess." And hell, I myself have covered songs by Roy Orbison and the Blue Orchids on a recording. But still ... you know? But still. What would jazz be like if jazzmen (and women) weren't so busy playing stuff that had already been done by someone else? Not *quite* so busy? I bet it'd be pretty cool.