fruity impostors

Before the last vestiges of summer leave us and the chill of winter sets in, I wanted to pose a question: what is up with nectarines? Where'd these things come from? They're obviously related to the peach somehow, but I'm confident that the peach predates the nectarine. So what is it: a cross between a peach and a plum? And why??? Was there some mad scientist out there thinking to himself, "Hmm. How can I make something similar to a peach, but less juicy and delicious?"

I mean, what's the benefit here? Why have nectarines been allowed to continue to exist? They're an experiment gone wrong. If you gave 100 people the choice between a peach and a nectarine, how many would choose the nectarine? I'm guessing it would be like 0.05 percent. Here's the only purpose I can think of that nectarines serve: to confuse people. As in, you're in the supermarket, or at the fruit stand, and you see some small, round, red-and-yellow fruit across the way. And you think to yourself, "Ah, peaches!" And you smile, and go to get some. But once you get close ... BAM! Nectarines!

It's the classic bait-and-switch. Some of you have heard me rant about raisins before, and how easy it is to mistake them for chocolate chips when they're in cookies. Well, same principle here. But I've got a word for you, nectarines: you may sit near peaches in the produce section ... but you're no peaches. You don't taste as good, you don't smell as good, and the "nectar" in your name is nothing but bitter irony.

Fuck you, nectarines! Go grow some fuzz, you damn d-bags ...