games for the new millenium

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but Mad City is a haven for ultimate frisbee. The biggest league here (MUFA) had over 2,000 participants this past summer. And I've heard of competitive leagues in other cities for things like dodgeball and kickball. Hell, they even made a movie about dodgeball, right? Some sort of documentary? That's the big time, baby!

Well, I've got an idea for man-children searching for other realms of competition: a snowball-fight league. Why hasn't anyone thought of, and implemented, this before??? Think about it: everybody loves a snowball fight (until they get hurt, that is), the overhead costs are minimal, and we all need more outdoor recreational opportunities during winter.

Here are some of the ground-rules I've come up with:

- Each side has a snow fort that they have to protect, while simultaneously trying to infiltrate the other team's snow fort.

- Objective of the game: knock the head off the snowman inside the snow fort. This can be accomplished either by sniping with snowballs, or by direct physical force.

- All the participants wear paintball gear for protection, as well as football shoulder pads for intimidation and for tackling the snowman.

- The captain of each side has to wear a set of moose antlers.

- The referees ride around the course in snowmobiles.

- Rock anthems will NOT be blared out of loudpeakers for the entertainment of spectators! Instead, they get to hear puzzling instrumental works by Sigur Ros.

- In an emergency - such as when they're the last member standing from their team - participants can create a "zone of sanctuary" by making a large yellow circle in the snow.

- Instead of quarters or halves, each contest is divided into 5 quintiles.

- Mixed-martial arts (MMA) is permitted in odd-numbered quintiles.

- There is no penalty box. Instead, players serve penalties by surrendering their gloves for a set period of time. For major infractions: you lose your pants. (A cruel punishment, to be sure, but winter is a harsh mistress.)

- The winning coach gets doused with hot chocolate instead of Gatorade.

- The only other rule is ... there are no other rules.

Oh man, this'd be so cool! And like, since it's snowed a bunch in the Northwest, there could be teams from Seattle and Portland as well as Madison and Boston and New York and northern Texas and whatnot. And maybe Burton and K2 and Tony Hawk Sportswear could be sponsors, at least until the league started turning a profit about halfway through the first season. And, uh ... is anyone else into this? No? Wait, not even, uh ...

Never mind. I'll start my own league! The hell with all of you! I'm outta here ...