Tuesday, April 20, 2010

my two cents, part I

Tonight I'm introducing another new feature to this blog: My Two Cents. This is a new column, somewhat akin to "Joke of the Day" and "That's Outrageous!", where I voice a strongly-held opinion on some subject or other.

So, tonight's subject is crew. I feel rather strongly about crew. When I was in college, the crew team had some of the most pompous, arrogant people on campus. They all ate together in the vegetarian section of the dining hall, and they'd come strutting out of there afterwards, full of lentil beans and bouillabaisse, like they were the healthiest damn people on the planet.

And who's to deny that crew's a healthy sport? Good aerobic workout. Also good for the biceps. Maybe too good? Is that what bred all the arrogance?

Anyhow, on the rare occasions when these hoity-toity crew people would talk to me, they seemed to have their own strongly-held opinions about ... football players. Now, I never played much football, but I've always enjoyed a good football game and been sympathetic to the cause. But these crew people ... geeaagh. It was all "Football this!" and "Football that!" They did not like football players, and talked ill about their sport.

But here's the thing, as I see it: football is actually a very complex sport. Sure, guys like Michael Vick and Ben Roethlisberger may be complete cretins, but that doesn't diminish the complexity of football. Look at what happened to Urban Meyer - he was almost done in by the nuances and endless permutations of the sport. So many offensive formations, so many defensive responses; it's not surprising that these college coaches spend 100 hours a week or whatever getting ready.

And meanwhile, do sports come any dumber than crew? Are they not doing basically the same thing as galley slaves? Just pulling an oar over and over again. And they can't even decide for themselves when to go faster or slower - they have a tiny little person, the "coxswain," yell out instructions to them! Even NASCAR requires more intellect.

I never had the guts to say any of this to the crew people in college, because they all had big ol' pipes for arms and were too fit to outrun. But I'm sayin' it now. You hear me, crew freaks? I'm calling you out, bitches! I'm calling total bullshit on your dog-and-pony show! (Except for you, Caroline; I haven't forgotten that you used to do crew. You're A-okay; you're one of the good ones.)

And that's ... my two cents.

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